
So I sat down to my computer tonight to check emails and stuff before going to bed at my new mandatory bedtime, 11 pm. It's well past that now, because I feel I need to talk about this with -somebody-.
In my email I see a message from one of my oldest and best friends from college, titled "no problem". I think to myself, hmm, this is probably not good, let's read it. Now, it's been nearly a decade since I saw this person in front of me. Anyways, over the years she's been fairly consistent in keeping me updated with her life, her travels, etc. I have steadily found it harder and harder to reply to these emails or post cards though...because I dont know what to say anymore.
Something that's taken me years to come to terms with, is that people will walk in and out of your life until you die. Life really is a highway. You drive with people for awhile..but eventually they exit. New people enter, and you drive with them for awhile. Eventually you may need to exit. Everyone has different destinations and roads they must take to reach those end points. We all must say goodbye to people at one point or another. It's sad, but it's how life is.
I have a big problem with resentment for people who walk out of my life, for whatever reason, logical or illogical. It comes from losing my most loved family members and friends steadily throughout my life. Im very used to it, I even expect it, but I never really really let go of it. Which is why when people leave me, leave my world, my city, my state...I tend to block them out. My brain's way of protecting me from the pain that occurs when people leave my life is to simply say, "Ok, that was wonderful. Moving along." It doesnt mean I stop caring for or loving these people. It simply means you are gone, I am sad that you are gone, but now there are other things that demand my attention.
My friend basically wrote me to tell me she's ending our near decade-long friendship. She was "cutting the fat". That she was sick of our friendship being "one sided". I didnt know there was a side... I stopped responding to her because I didnt know what to say anymore. What do we have in common anymore? Do you really care about my life? Why? You're not here! Im a thousand miles away from you.
I never forget the people who've driven with me on the highway of life. I alwas remember the people who've given me their friendship or love, and then gone. But when you walk out of my life, that is my que to say "Goodbye, until we meet again." When there are oceans and plains dividing us, different friends, different jobs, different pathways, how can I possibly remain as close to you as I once was? You left to persue your life, which we all had to do. I will always care for you, and always remember you. If you ever come back, I will be here for you. But right now, you're not in my life other than fragmented emails and poorly timed phone messages. I have a job, friends (some more dramatic than others), health problems, money problems, my family members are dying, I have a jillion pets, art shows, a boyfriend, ETC. Im sorry I can't follow you around the globe, and Im sorry we're not in college anymore where everything was awesome and we could hang out every day. You left my life to persue our own life. It is natural. And, if you ever come down my part of the road again, I will most certainly let you on the ramp with ease, and I will be so happy to see you.
Never ever assume that just because you don't hear from someone that they don't care about you. It's just life's way, blowing people in different directions. What if you just dont know what to say anymore?? Dont "cut the fat" off your life, you may want it back someday. I know everyone who I havent talked to in ages, I still think about you. I may not pester you every fucking week with boring details about my life...but goddamit I still think about your asses, with a smile no less. So when you think of telling me off for being a shitty friend, just know how bad it effin' hurts.

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Whenever I run into those people, we stop and have a friendly chat, and we move on again. You shouldn't feel bad - if anything, I think your friend shouldn't have sent you anything about "cutting off" your friendship with them. I think it's better to just not say anything if friends separate like that - that way, if you see each other again, then it'll be a nice experience instead of an unpleasent one.
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Shawnna Bass
"Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see."--my grandma
I cant believe your friend would do that to you D: Just not writing to you any more woulda been better then like completely cutting you off. It sorta bring a null to any happy memories there were ya know? T_T
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It's such a rough situation all around.. Because people do move on to different lives and dreams. It's NOT that easy to suddenly relate to someone you haven't seen in years..
I totally understand how you feel though- I've had several of my friends suddenly pop back into my life after years, and it's just hard to know what to say to them.. Lord knows, I DON'T want to dwell on highschool/college drama with them.. and it ends up seeming like that's all we have in common.. it's just shitty I suppose...
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Shawnna Bass
"Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see."--my grandma
This is the second time over the last few years for someone to walk back into my life after a huge, huge absense, and then get mad at ME for not letting them hop right back on the train of my world. It offends me to the brink. Its like dammit, don't expect me to make things convenient for you when you're the one who left.
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Shawnna Bass
"Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see."--my grandma
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